relationship fight

Janay asked:

What if you made the mistake of repeatedly calling,crying, and begging your ex to take you back. You’ve tried everything from memories to trying to get their attention on stop weeks and months after you’ve broken up but it seems like they still want nothing to do with you.

You have a huge fight and things have gotten worse to the point of public humiliation.

What can you do?

Dear Janay,

I hear your heartfelt sadness, desperation and frustration at trying to win back the man you love when he’s completely disinterested in a reconciliation. I hope to bring some understanding of the relationship dynamics between the two of you at this time. Your former boyfriend is as frustrated as you for very different reasons. While you are pining away for him and doing everything you can to get him back, he’s doing everything he can to move on and heal from the loss of the relationship. At the same time, he’s feeling guilty that you are hurting so much and frustrated that you continue to pursue him. You didn’t mention the reasons for the breakup, but it’s clear he wants to move on with his life without you.

Usually, though not always when people are so determined to retrieve a former lover when there’s no interest from the other consistently over time, it’s because of the unconscious conflict of the pursuer. He or she has a difficult relationship with at least one unavailable or rejecting parent and there is considerable distance between them. If this situation is true for you, then it’s likely at an unconscious level, you may be trying to win back your ex in an effort to heal that wounded part of yourself that didn’t get what you needed from your parent(s). These difficult attachment issues with the parent(s) usually carry over into intimate relationships and often play out with the same approach / avoidance dynamics you’re experiencing between you and your former boyfriend.

If this situation applies to you, trying to get yourself out of it can be so anguishing because the attachment difficulties between you and your parent(s) are acting as an intensifier to the loss of your boyfriend making it even harder to accept. As you work on healing yourself of the past difficulties with your parent(s), you will find that you have little or no interest in pursuing a man who isn’t wanting to be with you. Unfortunately, people find that until they’ve healed those old attachment wounds from the past, they continue to repeat this pattern with others. If this situation describes your own, professional help to work on the healing you need will help you let go of this old relationship.

Top Recommended Article: The Magic of Making Up Book Review – Does It Really Work To Get Your Ex Back?

You deserve someone to love you in return. In the meantime, you must love yourself first. Here is what you can do from this point forward to take much better care of yourself.

  1. Take the high road. Let him go. Write your former boyfriend a brief letter apologizing for your part in whatever brought about the breakup and your lack of acceptance that he no longer wants to be with you. In the letter you can also mention any bad choices on your part that may have upset him. Take full responsibility for your part. Thank him for the lessons you’ve learned. Wish him well in his life without you. You will feel better about yourself and begin rebuilding the self-respect you’ve lost in continuing to pursue someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you.
  2. Focus on yourself much more and your ex much less. Prepare yourself for a better relationship in the future with someone who is truly right for you and reciprocates the same depth of love that you have for him by finding good professional help to heal those old attachment wounds!
  3. Be kind, patient and gentle with yourself as you heal your grief.
  4. Work on your relationship with yourself. Give yourself the love that you’ve been trying to get from your ex!

Best in life to you,
Avelon

Avelon B McNae is a marriage counselor, psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and relationship coach with 28 years of experience in her professional field. She has local offices in Durango, Colorado and Pagosa Springs, Colorado. She also provides relationship coaching all over the United States via online video sessions and phone sessions. She can be reached at www.AvelonBMcNae.com.