Ask Avelon: He loves me not? 4 things you need to know about unavailable men

Carol asked,

Hi,

I feel more confident dealing with men now, being back in the dating scene after a 22 year marriage. I am in love with a man now who says he’ll never love me romantically but I know he has feelings for me the way he looks in my eyes and said I have beautiful eyes. Something in me tells me not to give up. Nothing is likely to help him change his mind, but I’m doing all the right things to make him feel rewarded, appreciated, etc. Any help is appreciated from you…

a person pulling the petals off a daisy

Dear Carol,

I’m glad to know you’re feeling more confident re-entering the dating scene after your previous marriage. The maturity you gained during your marriage goes a long way to helping you feel self-confident as you’re dating doesn’t it?

I know it’s tempting to pursue an ‘unavailable’ man. Many women do and find to their dismay that it’s not working for them in the short-term or the long-term. Here’s why:

1. A man who is unavailable initially, almost always continues to be unavailable throughout the relationship. It’s part of his ‘attachment style.’ Unavailability can take many forms. The form it’s taking with the man you love is ’emotional’ unavailability. This form can be particularly enticing as you want to believe somehow that your love for him will transform him into the man you want – the man who is in love with you and willing to do what it takes to keep you, right? You hope he will make a commitment that lasts. Is there someone in your past with whom the relationship had this interpersonal dynamic to it? An emotionally or physically distant, unavailable parent perhaps? If so, you’re likely attracted to this man at the unconscious level because of this dynamic between you.

2. When you are willing to pursue a man who is unavailable, you really aren’t ready for commitment yourself. When you’re ready, an unavailable man will seem most unattractive to you and you will move on and detach yourself from him, preferring to not waste your time. You will not allow your emotions of being in love with him to rule when the truth is “He’s not the one.” The one for you is also in love with you!

Recommended: If Right Now You Feel Deep Down There’s Something Standing In The Way of The Love You Should Have From Your Ex… (continue reading)

3. You acknowledge that nothing is likely to help him change his mind, yet you’re still trying to win him over. In spite of your intuitive wisdom about this man, you are neither trusting it, nor following it. Instead, you’re continuing to invest your heart, time and energy in a man who can’t or won’t give you what you want and need from a man.  Continuing to do so, will lead you ever down a painful path and prevent you from healing from the loss and moving on.

4. As long as you continue to keep this man in your life in any way, you’ll not really move on and find the man who is truly right for you. Maintaining a one-sided romantic attachment as “friends” is never a good idea. It’s prolonging the pain cycle and postponing the inevitable need to let go. The one who is right for you is available to you emotionally and in every other way. He may be just around the corner in your life, but if you’re unavailable because you’re still pursuing or attached to the unavailable man you love, how does it serve you?

As, you continue dating other men, be on the lookout for how you may be attracted to and attracting unavailable men. If it happens again, I urge you to get some professional help to heal and work through this pattern. You deserve love, Carol. The kind of love that will sustain you in life. Please don’t allow yourself to settle for anything less from any man.

Best always,

Avelon

Ask Avelon: Distance Speaks To a Man’s Heart In a Way That Your Words Cannot

Stacy asked,

We are not back together. We are still at a standstill of him giving the silent treatment in a long distance relationship. He isn’t responding, I have now not tried in 12 days to try to contact him, but he paid my cell phone bill yesterday and paid my car insurance….I would love to receive any suggestions you might have and it would be appreciated. Any text I could send or email that would make him do a turn around? 

a man and a woman looking out to sea

Hello Stacy,

Your partner likely still has some feelings for you and feels some level of obligation to pay your bills, even while giving you the silent treatment. His mixed messages show he’s conflicted or ambivalent about the relationship. I suggest you stay with your no-contact stance, otherwise you are giving up your power to get what you really want and need from him.

My standing advice for any woman who isn’t getting respectful, loving behavior from a man is to apply some distance. Distance speaks to a man’s heart in a way that your words cannot. In your case, your former partner is already applying distance. So, you must apply even more when he’s ready to stop – to the extent he’s so uncomfortable with it that he fears he’s lost you forever! Once that fears sets in you have some bargaining power for positive change. As it stands now, it’s reversed between the two of you and you have no bargaining power!

Related article: Maintaining love and passion over long distance

Recommended: If Right Now You Feel Deep Down There’s Something Standing In The Way of The Love You Should Have From Your Ex… (continue reading)

As long as you are always available to him he believes you always will be available. Being so available to a man who is not giving you what you really want and need from him diminishes your value to him. He won’t ever give you what you need and want because he doesn’t have to – you’ve made it way too easy for him to be a slacker! He must earn your attention and affection by being the kind of man you can trust with your heart completely. It’s your place to create your value to him and part of the way you do so, is being relatively unavailable to him until he’s showing you he deserves more of your time, attention and energy! Even then, be slow to give it to him. After all, he’s lost some or all of your trust and needs to win you back by proving he’s changed and deserves you!

See also: 6 things to keep him interested in a long-term relationship

In the event you do hear from him again, you need to be completely unavailable to him initially. Don’t immediately respond to his calls, texts or emails. Make him wait! He needs to understand at a very visceral, heartfelt level that you’re very unhappy with his past behavior. Remember, show him – not tell him with endless conversations, texts, emails, etc.  If he truly wants you, there will be more communication from him. A lot more! You will find out where he really stands and the limbo state you’re in while waiting on him to contact you will be over. It’s this limbo state that you want to break to gain forward movement one way or the other!

You also might like: Why does he “go dark” on you and become like a ghost… Get One-on-one Support & The Attraction Fix

If or when you decide to respond once he contacts you again, let him know you are still upset with him with your distance by being less available than he would prefer and less so than you’ve ever been with him. In fact, you are still upset with him until he shows you much better behavior. Otherwise, you are rewarding his past poor behavior and encouraging more of the same. Reward him with your time and energy only to the extent that he’s giving you what you truly want and need from him. Once his behavior is desirable again, you can begin slowly spending more time with him and negotiating a reconciliation and commitment if that’s what you still want with him. He has to be the initiator of such conversations though and remember, it’s s  l  o  w  l  y for you to consider it! Make him work for it to truly appreciate and value you! Value yourself first!

Best always,
Avelon

Ask Avelon: No Contact Rule But He Still Contacts Me – What Should I Do?

Joanna asked:

Me and my ex we have the same friends and it is hard for me to not contact him. He is the one that contacts me most of the time. But I think he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

What should I do?

Hello Joanna,

I certainly understand that the “no contact rule” can be very hard to implement after a breakup with your ex. You still have an attachment to one another. The no contact rule means that regardless of how “hard” it is to not contact your ex, you are following through with it. It’s usually “hard” for everyone after the breakup of a significant relationship to not contact their former partner or spouse. I know it’s difficult to let go of someone you love or once loved. Love isn’t enough to make a great relationship, so letting go is sometimes very necessary!

There is a guiding principle that works best in life choices and decisions and that principle is that we follow “truth” and not “emotions” to make those choices and decisions. Sometimes the truth requires actions that are not in alignment with our emotions, nevertheless the truth or reality is what we must follow for our highest good.

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The truth is that once an intimate relationship has ended, both people may feel in their emotions that it’s hard to refrain from contacting the ex because there is an attachment bond that has formed between them. It’s painful to break that bond and it can only be accomplished by using no contact. Any form of contact means that the bond is still being nurtured in some way.

Not breaking that attachment bond means that you are both unable to heal from the loss of the relationship. Furthermore, neither of you will be able to successfully form new attachment bonds with other people, which means you will be stuck in the past unable to move forward in your lives. It’s not a good option for your future happiness.

If your ex contacts you there is always a choice on your part about how to respond. When you respond with texting or phone calls you are encouraging more contact and not allowing yourself to fully heal from the loss. It’s as if the scab on the wound is continually being ripped off and the pain cycle is starting all over again! The appropriate way to break that attachment bond is to not respond at all when you are needing to heal and move forward with your life. Eventually, he will get the message and stop contacting you. Also, eventually you will stop wanting to hear from him because you know that after you do, you don’t feel good. The pain starts all over again. You’ll do well to block him on your phone from contacting you!

Even though you have some of the same friends you can find ways to avoid contact with your ex. Just don’t show up at familiar places where you know he frequents and you could run into him. It’s called avoidance and it’s way to protect your heart while it’s healing, so it can really heal completely!

Recommended:  Learn about the Secret Love Instinct

If you will do what is “hard” right now and bite the bullet, you’ll find that your heart will completely heal from the breakup and you’ll position yourself to open to love once again with someone else who just may be “the one” for you! It’s really worth it in the long run to fully let go of your ex!

Best in life,
Avelon

Ask Avelon: Tried Everything With Him, But Still Huge Fights! Here’s 4-Steps To Move Forward

Janay asked:

What if you made the mistake of repeatedly calling,crying, and begging your ex to take you back. You’ve tried everything from memories to trying to get their attention on stop weeks and months after you’ve broken up but it seems like they still want nothing to do with you.

You have a huge fight and things have gotten worse to the point of public humiliation.

What can you do?

relationship fight

Dear Janay,

I hear your heartfelt sadness, desperation and frustration at trying to win back the man you love when he’s completely disinterested in a reconciliation. I hope to bring some understanding of the relationship dynamics between the two of you at this time. Your former boyfriend is as frustrated as you for very different reasons. While you are pining away for him and doing everything you can to get him back, he’s doing everything he can to move on and heal from the loss of the relationship. At the same time, he’s feeling guilty that you are hurting so much and frustrated that you continue to pursue him. You didn’t mention the reasons for the breakup, but it’s clear he wants to move on with his life without you.

Usually, though not always when people are so determined to retrieve a former lover when there’s no interest from the other consistently over time, it’s because of the unconscious conflict of the pursuer. He or she has a difficult relationship with at least one unavailable or rejecting parent and there is considerable distance between them. If this situation is true for you, then it’s likely at an unconscious level, you may be trying to win back your ex in an effort to heal that wounded part of yourself that didn’t get what you needed from your parent(s). These difficult attachment issues with the parent(s) usually carry over into intimate relationships and often play out with the same approach / avoidance dynamics you’re experiencing between you and your former boyfriend.

If this situation applies to you, trying to get yourself out of it can be so anguishing because the attachment difficulties between you and your parent(s) are acting as an intensifier to the loss of your boyfriend making it even harder to accept. As you work on healing yourself of the past difficulties with your parent(s), you will find that you have little or no interest in pursuing a man who isn’t wanting to be with you. Unfortunately, people find that until they’ve healed those old attachment wounds from the past, they continue to repeat this pattern with others. If this situation describes your own, professional help to work on the healing you need will help you let go of this old relationship.

You deserve someone to love you in return. In the meantime, you must love yourself first. Here is what you can do from this point forward to take much better care of yourself.

  1. Take the high road. Let him go. Write your former boyfriend a brief letter apologizing for your part in whatever brought about the breakup and your lack of acceptance that he no longer wants to be with you. In the letter you can also mention any bad choices on your part that may have upset him. Take full responsibility for your part. Thank him for the lessons you’ve learned. Wish him well in his life without you. You will feel better about yourself and begin rebuilding the self-respect you’ve lost in continuing to pursue someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you.
  2. Focus on yourself much more and your ex much less. Prepare yourself for a better relationship in the future with someone who is truly right for you and reciprocates the same depth of love that you have for him by finding good professional help to heal those old attachment wounds!
  3. Be kind, patient and gentle with yourself as you heal your grief.
  4. Work on your relationship with yourself. Give yourself the love that you’ve been trying to get from your ex!

Best in life to you,
Avelon

Is He Missing You While You’re Using The No Contact Rule?

a woman waiting on a text from a guyYou know the feeling… a ton of separation anxiety as you’re missing him after a breakup. You miss him and it hurts to be apart from him. The loss of an intimate relationship and the grief and anguish that follow is one of the worst experiences of living. For a long time, your grieving takes on an obsessional nature. You can scarcely think of anything else.

“…I can assure you, even though he pulled away he still misses you.”

Depending on the duration and quality of your relationship, what happened to end it and what you were expecting from it, you may or may not be hoping for a reconciliation between you and your former partner or spouse.

At the very least, you’ve wondered a few hundred times if he’s missing you and if so, if he’s missing you as much as you’re missing him. Come on, there’s no shame in admitting it! In spite of these inner musings, you’re adamantly determined to stick with the No Contact Rule. Of course, you’re hoping he’ll contact you first, right?

To help you get inside his mind after a breakup or divorce, I’m going to share what’s really happening in his head. Regardless of how the relationship ended, you may take comfort in knowing that he’s wondering if he or you did the right thing in ending it.

If he ended it, there was likely quite a bit of ambivalence on his part about whether the two of you were the right fit together for the long-term or for any longer in the future. His ambivalence was probably going on long before you either had a clue or worked through your denial about it.

So, ending it may have felt like a relief for him or a painful opening to his freedom as a single man again. He also feels guilty about hurting you and yes, he misses you – even if he cheated on you with someone else and is with her now.

See also: How To Get Him To Miss You After The Breakup

Missing your former partner or spouse is part of what happens after a breakup. Questioning if it was the right thing to do as the loss is processed and feeling regret and sadness is part of what happens afterwards, no matter the cause of the breakup or who did the ugly or compassionate deed of ending it.

As you wonder day to day if he’s missing you it may be hard to maintain the No Contact Rule, especially because you are missing him.

You deserve a man who KNOWS you’re the one for him!

a man and a woman talking intimately and kissing on a bad

While I stated that everyone misses their former partner or spouse after a breakup or divorce, I want to clarify some aspects of his missing you.

It may take a while for him to miss you if he ended it and the two of you had been on really bad terms with one another, but eventually he will feel his loss of the relationship and begin remembering all the good times between the two of you.

He’ll remember all the reasons he fell in love with you, what attracted him to you, etc. It’s all this remembering of the good and bad that created his ambivalence to stay or go if he’s the one that ended it.

Related Article: What You Need To Do To Get Over The Breakup

If he wanted the ending and was ambivalent about your relationship for some time, then he probably isn’t missing you as much as you’re missing him. Before an intimate relationship or marriage ends – especially those of longer duration, there is a process of detachment that happens between two people.

Usually, one wants in and the other one wants out before a separation occurs. During this time, the one who wants in feels at some level the other one pulling away and this triggers fear of loss, abandonment, rejection, insecurity and generally a feeling of being “unsafe” in the relationship.

If your partner or spouse began pulling away from you, then you know these feelings quite well within your psyche. It may be easy to believe that he doesn’t miss you if he’s the one who wanted out, while you still wanted in. I can assure you, even though he pulled away he still misses you. He may even miss you more than you miss him if he was emotionally and physically dependent on you.

Many times we’ve all heard the adages, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and “Out of sight, out of mind.” Which one is true in your case and his depends so much on several factors such as:

  • How long you were together
  • The depth of his attachment to you
  • If he still loves you
  • If he believes he made a mistake or not
  • What happened that tore the two of you apart
  • If he has someone new already
  • If you have someone new already

a woman hugging her boyfriendThere’s one thing I can tell you for certain – if a man truly believes you are right for him and highly values you as a wife or partner, he either won’t end his relationship with you or if he does and realizes he’s made a big mistake, he’ll be in contact with you.

You won’t have to go looking for him, trying to convince him to give your relationship another go. Further, if he values you enough you’ll know it by his actions. Is he calling, texting or emailing you in a conciliatory manner? Is he taking responsibility for his part in the ending? Is he willing to do something about it to make corrections for a possible future reunion between the two of you?

If you aren’t getting any of these indicators and you’re really hung up on him, please consider getting some professional help to get over him and re-position yourself for a much better future without him.

You deserve a man who KNOWS you’re the one for him! When a man knows you’re valuable to him, you won’t be wondering what he’s thinking or feeling when you’re together or apart, because he’ll tell you right up front!

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