We are not back together. We are still at a standstill of him giving the silent treatment in a long distance relationship. He isn’t responding, I have now not tried in 12 days to try to contact him, but he paid my cell phone bill yesterday and paid my car insurance….I would love to receive any suggestions you might have and it would be appreciated. Any text I could send or email that would make him do a turn around?
Your partner likely still has some feelings for you and feels some level of obligation to pay your bills, even while giving you the silent treatment. His mixed messages show he’s conflicted or ambivalent about the relationship. I suggest you stay with your no-contact stance, otherwise you are giving up your power to get what you really want and need from him.
My standing advice for any woman who isn’t getting respectful, loving behavior from a man is to apply some distance. Distance speaks to a man’s heart in a way that your words cannot. In your case, your former partner is already applying distance. So, you must apply even more when he’s ready to stop – to the extent he’s so uncomfortable with it that he fears he’s lost you forever! Once that fears sets in you have some bargaining power for positive change. As it stands now, it’s reversed between the two of you and you have no bargaining power!
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As long as you are always available to him he believes you always will be available. Being so available to a man who is not giving you what you really want and need from him diminishes your value to him. He won’t ever give you what you need and want because he doesn’t have to – you’ve made it way too easy for him to be a slacker! He must earn your attention and affection by being the kind of man you can trust with your heart completely. It’s your place to create your value to him and part of the way you do so, is being relatively unavailable to him until he’s showing you he deserves more of your time, attention and energy! Even then, be slow to give it to him. After all, he’s lost some or all of your trust and needs to win you back by proving he’s changed and deserves you!
In the event you do hear from him again, you need to be completely unavailable to him initially. Don’t immediately respond to his calls, texts or emails. Make him wait! He needs to understand at a very visceral, heartfelt level that you’re very unhappy with his past behavior. Remember, show him – not tell him with endless conversations, texts, emails, etc. If he truly wants you, there will be more communication from him. A lot more! You will find out where he really stands and the limbo state you’re in while waiting on him to contact you will be over. It’s this limbo state that you want to break to gain forward movement one way or the other!
If or when you decide to respond once he contacts you again, let him know you are still upset with him with your distance by being less available than he would prefer and less so than you’ve ever been with him. In fact, you are still upset with him until he shows you much better behavior. Otherwise, you are rewarding his past poor behavior and encouraging more of the same. Reward him with your time and energy only to the extent that he’s giving you what you truly want and need from him. Once his behavior is desirable again, you can begin slowly spending more time with him and negotiating a reconciliation and commitment if that’s what you still want with him. He has to be the initiator of such conversations though and remember, it’s “s l o w l y” for you to consider it! Make him work for it to truly appreciate and value you! Value yourself first!
Avelon B McNae is a marriage counselor, psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and relationship coach with 28 years of experience in her professional field. She has local offices in Durango, Colorado and Pagosa Springs, Colorado. She also provides relationship coaching all over the United States via online video sessions and phone sessions. She can be reached at www.AvelonBMcNae.com.