Ask Avelon: No Contact Rule But He Still Contacts Me – What Should I Do?

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Last Updated on June 22, 2021

Joanna asked:

Me and my ex we have the same friends and it is hard for me to not contact him. He is the one that contacts me most of the time. But I think he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

What should I do?

Hello Joanna,

I certainly understand that the “no contact rule” can be very hard to implement after a breakup with your ex. You still have an attachment to one another. The no contact rule means that regardless of how “hard” it is to not contact your ex, you are following through with it. It’s usually “hard” for everyone after the breakup of a significant relationship to not contact their former partner or spouse. I know it’s difficult to let go of someone you love or once loved. Love isn’t enough to make a great relationship, so letting go is sometimes very necessary!

There is a guiding principle that works best in life choices and decisions and that principle is that we follow “truth” and not “emotions” to make those choices and decisions. Sometimes the truth requires actions that are not in alignment with our emotions, nevertheless the truth or reality is what we must follow for our highest good.

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The truth is that once an intimate relationship has ended, both people may feel in their emotions that it’s hard to refrain from contacting the ex because there is an attachment bond that has formed between them. It’s painful to break that bond and it can only be accomplished by using no contact. Any form of contact means that the bond is still being nurtured in some way.

Not breaking that attachment bond means that you are both unable to heal from the loss of the relationship. Furthermore, neither of you will be able to successfully form new attachment bonds with other people, which means you will be stuck in the past unable to move forward in your lives. It’s not a good option for your future happiness.

If your ex contacts you there is always a choice on your part about how to respond. When you respond with texting or phone calls you are encouraging more contact and not allowing yourself to fully heal from the loss. It’s as if the scab on the wound is continually being ripped off and the pain cycle is starting all over again! The appropriate way to break that attachment bond is to not respond at all when you are needing to heal and move forward with your life. Eventually, he will get the message and stop contacting you. Also, eventually you will stop wanting to hear from him because you know that after you do, you don’t feel good. The pain starts all over again. You’ll do well to block him on your phone from contacting you!

Even though you have some of the same friends you can find ways to avoid contact with your ex. Just don’t show up at familiar places where you know he frequents and you could run into him. It’s called avoidance and it’s way to protect your heart while it’s healing, so it can really heal completely!

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If you will do what is “hard” right now and bite the bullet, you’ll find that your heart will completely heal from the breakup and you’ll position yourself to open to love once again with someone else who just may be “the one” for you! It’s really worth it in the long run to fully let go of your ex!

Best in life,

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