You know the feeling… a ton of separation anxiety as you’re missing him after a breakup. You miss him and it hurts to be apart from him. The loss of an intimate relationship and the grief and anguish that follow is one of the worst experiences of living. For a long time, your grieving takes on an obsessional nature. You can scarcely think of anything else.
“…I can assure you, even though he pulled away he still misses you.”
Depending on the duration and quality of your relationship, what happened to end it and what you were expecting from it, you may or may not be hoping for a reconciliation between you and your former partner or spouse. At the very least, you’ve wondered a few hundred times if he’s missing you and if so, if he’s missing you as much as you’re missing him. Come on, there’s no shame in admitting it! In spite of these inner musings, you’re adamantly determined to stick with the No Contact Rule. Of course, you’re hoping he’ll contact you first, right?
To help you get inside his mind after a breakup or divorce, I’m going to share what’s really happening in his head. Regardless of how the relationship ended, you may take comfort in knowing that he’s wondering if he or you did the right thing in ending it. If he ended it, there was likely quite a bit of ambivalence on his part about whether the two of you were the right fit together for the long-term or for any longer in the future. His ambivalence was probably going on long before you either had a clue or worked through your denial about it. So, ending it may have felt like a relief for him or a painful opening to his freedom as a single man again. He also feels guilty about hurting you and yes, he misses you – even if he cheated on you with someone else and is with her now.
Missing your former partner or spouse is part of what happens after a breakup. Questioning if it was the right thing to do as the loss is processed and feeling regret and sadness is part of what happens afterwards, no matter the cause of the breakup or who did the ugly or compassionate deed of ending it.
As you wonder day to day if he’s missing you it may be hard to maintain the No Contact Rule, especially because you are missing him.
You deserve a man who KNOWS you’re the one for him!
While I stated that everyone misses their former partner or spouse after a breakup or divorce, I want to clarify some aspects of his missing you. It may take a while for him to miss you if he ended it and the two of you had been on really bad terms with one another, but eventually he will feel his loss of the relationship and begin remembering all the good times between the two of you. He’ll remember all the reasons he fell in love with you, what attracted him to you, etc. It’s all this remembering of the good and bad that created his ambivalence to stay or go if he’s the one that ended it.
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If he wanted the ending and was ambivalent about your relationship for some time, then he probably isn’t missing you as much as you’re missing him. Before an intimate relationship or marriage ends – especially those of longer duration, there is a process of detachment that happens between two people. Usually, one wants in and the other one wants out before a separation occurs. During this time, the one who wants in feels at some level the other one pulling away and this triggers fear of loss, abandonment, rejection, insecurity and generally a feeling of being “unsafe” in the relationship.
If your partner or spouse began pulling away from you, then you know these feelings quite well within your psyche. It may be easy to believe that he doesn’t miss you if he’s the one who wanted out, while you still wanted in. I can assure you, even though he pulled away he still misses you. He may even miss you more than you miss him if he was emotionally and physically dependent on you.
Many times we’ve all heard the adages, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and “Out of sight, out of mind.” Which one is true in your case and his depends so much on several factors such as:
- How long you were together
- The depth of his attachment to you
- If he still loves you
- If he believes he made a mistake or not
- What happened that tore the two of you apart
- If he has someone new already
- If you have someone new already
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There’s one thing I can tell you for certain – if a man truly believes you are right for him and highly values you as a wife or partner, he either won’t end his relationship with you or if he does and realizes he’s made a big mistake, he’ll be in contact with you. You won’t have to go looking for him, trying to convince him to give your relationship another go. Further, if he values you enough you’ll know it by his actions. Is he calling, texting or emailing you in a conciliatory manner? Is he taking responsibility for his part in the ending? Is he willing to do something about it to make corrections for a possible future reunion between the two of you?
If you aren’t getting any of these indicators and you’re really hung up on him, please consider getting some professional help to get over him and re-position yourself for a much better future without him. You deserve a man who KNOWS you’re the one for him! When a man knows you’re valuable to him, you won’t be wondering what he’s thinking or feeling when you’re together or apart, because he’ll tell you right up front!
Avelon B McNae is a marriage counselor, psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and relationship coach with 28 years of experience in her professional field. She has local offices in Durango, Colorado and Pagosa Springs, Colorado. She also provides relationship coaching all over the United States via online video sessions and phone sessions. She can be reached at www.AvelonBMcNae.com.