American Dating Society
So everything seemed to be going well, you enjoyed the fun and romantic dates together, and your new man started to become a part of your day to day schedule, but then he started to pull away.
You may have also been thinking about becoming exclusive, or even considering leaving a toothbrush at his place and plotting the day you start moving in together, but then suddenly everything changed.
The guy stops being so ‘loving’. He shuts down every conversation about the future and stops being the one to set dates. You haven’t broken up, but you’ve suddenly become the one always doing the chasing. So what’s going on??
This can be very confusing for women, one minute he seems to be really into you, the next he seems to be growing more distant and even making excuses not to see you.
This is an issue that is surprisingly common and in most cases, has to do with a man’s perception and natural aversion to commitment.
Although most guys do eventually want to get into a relationship and settle down with ‘the right woman’, it is a known fact that most guys are either commitment phobic or are rather weary of commitment, at least in the early stages of getting to know someone.
So how do you get around this complex issue?
Advice From The Experts
Slade Shaw, an experienced dating coach for men figured out the answer. Not only does he know why men do this, but he has a rather effective solution, which involves asking the guy a few seemingly innocent questions.
You see, you can’t just ask a man to open up about his feelings, this will only cause him to feel like pulling away even more as it can cause him to feel pressured.
Instead, Slade advises not to do this, but to ask him a few seemingly innocent questions that do not make him feel pressured at all, but actually get him to change how he sees you, how he feels about you and about relationships in general. The sneaky thing is that the guy will not even realise what you are doing so he will feel totally comfortable with you to open up and share his feelings.
Knowing how to recognize the early signs that he may be starting to pull away can help you to know when is the right time to ask him these questions. Above all, remember at this stage NOT to ask him directly to talk about his feelings, your relationship or why he seems so distant, this will only make him pull away even more.
Here are a few tips to help you recognise these early signs and what they may mean.
When Men Pull Away
Pulling Away From Commitment
Women, generally tend to get emotionally invested in relationships more quickly than men. Once you’ve been dating for a while, it might seem natural for you to move in together, and start thinking about the future, while the man in your life is quite happy with things as they are.
That doesn’t mean that they care about you any less – it just means that they need a little longer than you to reach the same conclusion in most cases. Give them some time, and they will make the move on their own.
Being a man myself, I recall various past relationships when I started to feel pressured and therefore noticed myself pulling away, and others where I did not. In the relationships where I did not feel pressured were the relationships that went the furthest and developed into a long-term happy commitment.
Unfortunately for women, it can be very easy indeed to make a guy feel pressured, even if you do not think you are doing so. The best thing to do in the early stages is to just relax and have fun, be up-beat and happy and just have a good time.
Avoid asking any questions like, ‘so where do you see our relationship going?’ If you can wait until he first asks you these kind of questions about your relationship then you will be in a much stronger position and he will be more willing to open up and share his feelings with you and move the relationship forward.
Patience is a vertue that really pays big divot ends when it comes to guys.
See also: Why men pull away before they commit
Pay Attention To The Simple Gestures
Men and women both love, but they often express it in different ways. While you might want overtly romantic gestures and charming words, your guy might struggle to give you those things because they aren’t what most men would see as love, and so he’s not used to using them or at least, they don’t come naturally.
In the early stages of a relationship it is common for a guy to appear charming, take you to nice places and buy you gifts. But as the relationship progresses and the two of you become ‘serious’, he feels more comfortable with you and sub-consciously no longer feels the need to do these things.
Men are culturally programmed to do this through what society and the media says he should be doing in order to attract and charm a woman.
As he does not perceive these gestures as love, he will often start to do these things less once he feels that the two of you have developed a close bond.
To him, even if he is not the traditional type, simple things like practical help could be a gesture of affection from him. Pay attention to the little things he does for you.
Men want to make their woman happy, and if you show him that the things he does for you are appreciated, he will also feel more appreciated and, therefore, feel closer to you. He will be less likely to withdraw and continue to do those little things that make you smile.
If your relationship has gone past the early stages and your man has stopped buying you presents, taking you places and generally is not being as romantic as he was with you in the beginning, then this does not necessarily mean that he is pulling away. He may just feel more comfortable with you and subconsciously feel that he is showing you love and affection in different ways.
However, for women it is always nice when a guy does the romantic thing and buys you presents etc. So if you have been in a relationship with your man for a while and this is happening to you, then you can also use Slade Shaw’s questioning technique to get him to realise on another level that he needs to pay attention to you in a more romantic way.
Amy was in a similar situation, she had been married to her partner for a few years but he had become more and more withdrawn from their relationship. When she used Slade’s questions with her husband, things started to change very quickly in their relationship for the better and they even ended up renewing their vows.
Men are not as complex as they sometimes may seem. There are very predictable traits that cause a man to fall in love and become overtly more affectionate towards a woman and want to commit to a relationship. You can learn about Slade’s questions that trigger these processes on this page.
Things on His Mind
When a guy has things on his mind, he is more likely to want space, and he might pull away from you for a little while. If you think this is happening, you need to tread carefully. If you pry too much, he could see it as nagging, and he could withdraw even more. If you ignore him, then subconsciously he could think that you’re simply not there for him.
Tell him you’ve noticed he’s quiet, and that you’re there if he wants to talk about it. Be there to support him if he wants it, and cut him some slack if he’s distant or forgetful.
Don’t be a doormat, though. It is important that you show him that you value yourself, but that you also love the person you are dating. You want to spend time with them, but you are not dependent on them.
Even the nicest and a most genuine person can occasionally fall into the trap of taking people for granted if they feel like that person will always be there, no matter what. It’s not deliberate or malicious; it’s simply a side effect of the busy lives we lead.
When you get caught up in the things that are going on at work, with your current friends, or within your immediate family, the person you are dating can be forgotten for a while.
Don’t take it personal, but instead try to recognize the situation if this is happening for you and just be patient and ride it out. He will come back around once he has resolved the issues in his life.
While you’re giving him some space, keep yourself busy by catching up with friends and family, stay in good shape by visiting the gym and continue to pursue your career or your hobbies. Pour your energy into being the best you that you can be – for yourself and your partner, rather than pouring all of your energy into your partner.
It’s a subtle difference, but it is what will keep you appealing to your partner for the rest of your life. If your partner does withdraw or break up with you, then you won’t be left floundering.
Falling in love is a complicated thing, and men and women do it quite differently. But with clear communication, you can have a successful relationship. Don’t expect your partner to be psychic. Be willing to compromise a little for love.
Although both men and women equally enjoy relationships, they can perceive them in very different ways, especially during the early stages.
Most guys are naturally commitment phobic, so cut them some slack while you’re getting to know them, relax and just have fun. Try to avoid asking them probing questions about their feelings or about your relationship.
Once it gets to that stage, most mature men will be ready to move things to the next level. However, if you see that he is starting to pull away then step back a little to see if you can tell why this may be happening. If he has a lot going on in his life then give him some space to sort out the issues.
If however, there seems to be no good reason for his withdrawal, then you may need to help him to see you and the relationship in a more valuable way.
If you do or say the wrong thing at this stage then you may push him away for good and lose him forever.
Understanding why men pull away can help you to deal with the situation more easily, but understanding what to do when men pull away will help you to overcome the issue and to move past it.
Following Slade Shaw’s simple methods can help you to awaken strong feelings of love and devotion in him and get him to change how he sees you, feels about you and start to put your relationship first.
If this is happening to you then don’t let him treat you like a door mat. Use Slade’s simple questioning methods to turn the situation around and get him chasing you again.