If you are finding yourself in a position of wanting to try to rekindle a relationship that has ended, I am here to help you. But, before we get into the details of the steps for you to take to accomplish your goal, it is important for you to first do some reflecting to see if this is truly what you want, or if your emotions are currently pointing you toward something that may not actually be what is in your best interest.
7 Things You Need To Do To Get Him Back If You Instigated The Breakup
The first thing you should do is reflect on your relationship and why you broke up with him in the first place.
To start with your reflection, take three to five slow, deep breaths. Think about the relationship that you are wanting to rekindle. How long did the relationship last? What were the daily interactions between you and your ex like? Did you respect each other, trust each other, work together on issues, stay honest? In essence, think about the quality of your relationship – was it strong? Was it healthy? Did it enhance your life? Did it enhance your ex’s life? For the most part, did you get along? Were you involved with his friends? His family? Was he involved with your friends? Your family? Did you both view the relationship as a team effort, were you “we” together? Or conversely, did the relationship struggle for the most part? Was there jealousy? Lack of trust? Daily arguing? Disrespect? Lack of involvement with significant people on his end? On your end? Was there cheating? Close your eyes for a few minutes and ponder these questions.
Ask yourself one final question
Ask yourself one final question; Why did it end? If your reasoning points to explanations such as distance, too much bickering at the end, rampant emotions, incompatibility, or basically anything that does not circle back to blatant disrespect or cheating then continue reading below. If your reasoning points to explanations such as blatant disrespect, control, any type of abuse, cheating, or any similar situation, you must understand that it is in your absolute best interest to walk away.
You are in control of your own life and you must know that YOU alone set the boundaries and expectations for how other people will treat you. Disrespect, control, extreme jealousy, abuse, and cheating are absolutely never tolerable and you must walk away if this is the situation you are in.
Reflect again and identify the cause
Hopefully, you are still here reading this because the reason for your break up is potentially fixable. Now, that we know that the reason does not fall under the category above of “blatant disrespect and the like” I ask you to reflect again. Think about the reasons you broke up with your ex. If it is because you want him to change something and now you’re feeling like you made a mistake because you’re missing him, it is important to really sit on it and question if trying to get him back again is the right move. But, if you ended the relationship because a fight got heated, you haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye, or for some other reason, try to identify the cause.
Be willing to understand, apologize, and make a change
If you reflect and realize that the reason you ended the relationship has to do with YOU or with issues that you both were experiencing together and not something blatantly disrespectful that he did or did not do, then you must prepare yourself for having to clean up some of the mess you created. When you meet up with him, be open to hearing what he has to say, understand the importance of listening and providing validation.
Be willing to listen
If he is in a position where he is open to speaking with you, it is important to ask him if he thinks there is any hope for the relationship to work out. If he responds in the negative, understand that you have to let it go. But, if he responds with any indication that it could maybe work, be open to his feedback about what he feels are aspects that need to change on your end. Remember to listen openly and without the intention of responding; listen to truly hear and validate his concerns. Then, once you truly understand where he is coming from you have to again ask yourself if these requests are reasonable, fair and if you are capable of following through with making changes.
Utilize his Love Language
If you search for “The Five Love Languages” you will find information as well as a free, online quiz that you can take to understand your own love language first. But, you can also get an idea of what you think your ex boyfriend’s love language is as well. There are five primary “languages”: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Giving/Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. If you can understand what you think his love language is, you can begin to utilize that information. For example, if you think his love language is Words of Affirmation, you can slowly start reaching out and complimenting him (focus on his character like: “I realize how much of a quality person you are” or “You were always so thoughtful”) and expressing your gratitude for him (example: “Thank you for always being patient with me” or “I want you to know I always appreciated all of your efforts”). Tailor your commentary and behavior accordingly toward whichever Love Language you think may be his. This may help him open up to the idea of you again.
Related article: Using text messages to get him back
Put in the work
It will take time for him to bounce back from this if his heart is hurting over the pain you may have caused. Do not allow him to turn you into his emotional slave, but do be understanding and open to the fact that you have to now build this relationship back up, together. Validate his concerns, maintain open communication with him, and put in both the time and effort into the relationship in order to make it work better this time around.
Suzanne is a certified counselor with 6 years of experience working with individuals of diverse backgrounds and age groups. In addition to working full time as a School Counselor servicing students ages K-12, Suzanne began a side business in 2014 geared toward providing relationship and individual counseling services for adult clientele. She has worked with an extensive range of individuals helping them gain insight, foster changes, and continue to grow. She has acquired a wealth of information about relationships through her professional and personal endeavors and finds great value in sharing what she has learned.