Cheating is always a difficult test for a couple. Even if you are ready to give the relationship another chance, what happened can last a long time, causing pain and deter you from being able to step forward. “You have the right to control it to be sure that everything is really finished” – we often hear such advice. How justified are they?
The partner should prove he/she learned a lesson
You can redistribute property and finances within the family, which will demonstrate that the cheating partner intends to confirm his allegiance and is not going to repeat the cheating.
For example, if all the joint property is owned by the husband, you can exchange this for ownership in equal shares. This will be a real demonstration of the intention to be faithful. It is important to deal with the causes of cheating because the responsibility usually lies with both partners. Cheating occurs when it is impossible to come to a constructive agreement, to understand each other’s feelings, to honestly satisfy marriage needs. If your partner googles how to find a foreign girlfriend, he is not the one to blame.
If you forgive, you let the offense go
Sometimes an unconscious provocation of the injured party is traced behind it, and then the whole scheme of relations must be changed. The position “I am offended, conquer me, and I will still look at your behavior” is always destructive.
It is important to accept and support the general decision to maintain relations and not to fall offended. This point can cause indignation: the partner has cheated, but the actions to improve relations are mutual. However, without recognition of mutual responsibility, steps towards each other are impossible.
You have forgiven and want to start a relationship from scratch, but doubts about the honesty of the partner are natural. You can dictate several conditions to them. Their implementation will help you feel more confident and will prove that they really broke off relations with another person.
Be a little strict
You should have free access to their mail, phone and social networks. Ask them to send a message to the person with whom they cheated in your presence, confirming that everything in between is in the past.
If they write something in response, you can notify this person that you are aware of what has happened and urge them to respect your partner’s decision and not chase your family. Of course, it is impossible to maintain any friendly relations. Demand not only the removal of all personal contacts but also the blocking of accounts on social networks. It will not be superfluous to offer the partner to change the phone number and mail address.
If they are colleagues, insist on keeping professional contacts to a minimum. In the event that they cannot influence this, ask them to talk to the management about this, even if they have to explain the true reason.
If your partner refuses, fearing for reputation, recall that they should have worried about this before. Most likely, it will be difficult for them to go to all your conditions. But your partner must understand: the restoration of trust is only possible if you are completely sure that the relationship is broken.
How to understand that a partner is ready?
He/she is open to talks about why this happened and what you, as a couple, can do to ensure that the episode of cheating is forever in the past. They do not ignore your feelings, the need to understand what happened and ask questions that you want answers to.
From time to time, memories of what happened may come back and hurt you. It seems to you that you made a mistake and can’t trust your partner anymore. This does not mean that your relationship has no future, and you need to give yourself and them time.
Honesty is required but not total control
It is impossible to gain confidence and prove that everything is really in the past just by handing over the phone for verification. This can be a one-time action, which is more like a surgical operation: it is useful to see that the connection is complete and the intentions are indicated.
In the future, an attempt to roughly invade the private space of a partner will not restore relations. The person who cheated is like a prisoner under supervision, and the victim is made an overseer and fixes their attention on traumatic suspicions and the search for evidence, and not on treatment.
Openness and lack of secrets between partners at this difficult stage of the relationship are necessary, but other actions are also needed. Sometimes it’s worth changing something globally. This can be dismissal or relocation because the very fact of the involvement of colleagues or friends who knew about the cheatings makes the affected partner constantly feel humiliated.
Written by: Eva White