Trust is at the core of every relationship and it either exists in a healthy, solidified way or it does not exist due to wrongdoings and past experiences. Trust is a main point of contention for many people in relationships because when we allow ourselves to trust somebody, we are allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and give someone the opportunity to hurt us.
When our trust is broken, it is very difficult to restore. Many people carry trust issues from past relationships into current ones because they have a protective emotional wall up in an effort to defend themselves from being hurt again. If you have made a choice that has compromised someone’s trust in you, it may be possible to redeem yourself depending on the circumstances. But understand that the process will likely be long and will require a significant amount of energy and effort in order to put things right so you can both move on from it.
Related article: The 4 steps to getting him back
Getting Your Ex Boyfriend To Trust You Again – What You Can Do
If you are trying to redeem your mistake and get your ex boyfriend to trust you again, you must first be willing to admit your mistake and that you were wrong.
Try to dig deep and understand why you did what you did. Did you consider him? Did you think about your actions before you made your choice? Did you have intentions of hurting him? Was your choice selfishly motivated? Did you just do something impulsive without thinking it through? The hope and assumption here is that you made an impulsive choice without considering how it may impact someone else. Think about what drove your choice and understand the motive behind the behavior.
Listen to and validate his concerns
When you break someone’s trust they are going to have various thoughts and emotions about it. Understand that he may repeat his concerns to you, or new ones may arise. He may seem distant toward you at times because of the thoughts in his mind.
Ask him to share his concerns and be genuine in your responses. Listen to his thoughts and validate that he is feeling this way because of your mistake.
Allow him to vent
Allow him the space to vent, but do not allow him to be condescending, belittle you, or beat you up emotionally (or physically for that matter) about it. Understand that he has a right to feel harmed and he will likely have many emotions and thoughts surrounding the situation. Allow him to share his thoughts and be sure to listen to him and validate them.
Be willing to change your behavior
Whatever it is that you did, make sure that you do not repeat the same mistake. You may have made an impulsive choice that will likely not repeat itself due to circumstances. However, there is a chance that whatever it is that you did may happen again if you do not make some changes. For example, if you were exchanging messages with a guy behind your boyfriend’s back that were inappropriate and compromised his trust in you, then you may have to: delete the number, remove the person from social media, be mindful of not being secretive with your phone, and possibly even allow your boyfriend to search your phone periodically to prove that you are not hiding anything (this last suggestion is tentative and I’d suggest proceeding with caution… but, some people are open to this).
See also: The truth about my men lie
Understand that this will take time
Trust is extremely difficult to restore once it is broken, compromised, or lost. Trust is arguably not even fixable, however, you can improve the situation. Be patient with the process and know that you are going to have to put great effort and time into riding out the process if you want your boyfriend to trust you again.
Try to help him move on
The goal is for you two to try to move on from this, so while you are actively following all of the steps above, try to manage your relationship so that it can move along normally. Continue to talk about things other than the incident that leads you here, have fun together, make plans with each other, spend time with groups of friends, and try to keep things fun and light-hearted when you can. If you can solidify other aspects of your relationship and make it feel good overall, it will help with mending the trust issues that currently exist.
Focus on yourself
Try to understand what caused you to make this decision and what purpose it may have selfishly been serving for you to disregard your boyfriend and his feelings during this time. Were you looking for attention? Were you trying to fill a void? Were you acting impulsively? What was going on for you during this time? What can you do if you find yourself in a similar situation moving forward and how will you make a better choice the next time?
If you can continue to follow the guidelines above and commit to consistently implementing the strategies over a period of time, you will increase your chances of your boyfriend trusting you again. However, keep in mind that the trust may never go back to where it was depending on the severity of the situation and also your effort in trying to remedy the issue.
Be patient, be consistent, be understanding, and put in the effort it requires. If this relationship does not work out because of this, take what you have learned and apply it to a new relationship in the future.
Suzanne is a certified counselor with 6 years of experience working with individuals of diverse backgrounds and age groups. In addition to working full time as a School Counselor servicing students ages K-12, Suzanne began a side business in 2014 geared toward providing relationship and individual counseling services for adult clientele. She has worked with an extensive range of individuals helping them gain insight, foster changes, and continue to grow. She has acquired a wealth of information about relationships through her professional and personal endeavors and finds great value in sharing what she has learned.