If you are finding yourself in a situation where you are in love or have strong feelings for another person, but you feel intuitively or logically that this is not the right person for you, you may need to pull away. However, pulling away is easier said than done and it can be a challenging, and often time-consuming process. Despite the difficulty this situation presents, it is imperative to remember that you are in control of your own life and it is up to you to make the conscious choices to better your life, even if that means enduring the heartache that comes along with it.
If you feel that you are in need of some guidance to help you to pull away from a guy who you know is not good for you or who you know there is no future with, continue to read below for some suggestions on how to help in this process.
Steps To Take To Pull Away From a Guy You Love
Step back and take a look at the relationship
Take a look at your life and how this relationship is impacting you. Is it enhancing your life? Are you learning and growing for the better? Chances are that if you are reading this, your relationship is adding stress and turmoil into your life. This in and of itself is reason enough to consider leaving.
While any healthy relationship is bound to have its challenges, a relationship of CHOICE (romantic, friendship, etc) should still always be enhancing you and your life. If you are experiencing uncertainty, anxiety, feeling “less than”, or any related feeling on a typical basis, it is time to leave the relationship behind.
Identify your reasons for why you need to pull away
Are you acting like someone you are not? Are you feeling like this is not the right relationship for you? Do you feel that this relationship is unhealthy? Do you feel like you’re just an option to this person? Are there other circumstances in his life that are preventing you from being together? Are there circumstances in your life that are preventing you from a future with this person? Understand what your reason is as this will be extremely important to hold onto, especially during the moments of doubt.
Make the conscious choice to distance yourself
How you decide to do this is up to you and it is up to you and your style if it makes sense to distance yourself slowly or all at once. For some, cutting a person off completely at one time is the “easier” way to go – deleting from all social media, blocking numbers, etc. However, others may find success with slowly weaning someone off.
One specific way you can slowly wean someone off is to become conscious of the time you are putting into interacting with this person on a daily basis and minimize that time. For example, say your average communication entails speaking on the phone 3 times a day for 20 minutes each call and then you spend approximately 30 cumulative minutes texting or checking social media. Put a number to your time – on day one of your weaning process, start with limiting your phone calls to 2 a day at 15 minutes each, and then about 20 minutes cumulative in texting and social media (based on the example I just gave you). On day two, decrease to 1 call at 15 minutes and 15 minutes of cumulative texting and social media. On day three, decrease to 1 call at 10 minutes, 10 minutes of texting. Keep slowly adjusting and decreasing the time you are spending in communication until you are comfortable enough to cut it off. This will help to establish a specific goal and hold you accountable.
Get comfortable with the idea of being alone
Being alone is a scary concept, at first. But, it is absolutely essential to your growth and your overall well-being after a breakup. A common mistake that many people make in relationships is that they jump from one relationship or one person to the next, without allowing time and space between each relationship to heal and to truly be alone. While potentially uncomfortable, this is an essential step in the process because it allows you the time to work on healing, while also removing the risk of carrying baggage into a new relationship. Would you want someone to do that to you? Likely not. It is important to come to terms with the idea of being alone, for a while.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions and to sit in each one as they come and go. If you feel upset, feel that way. If you feel angry, feel angry. If you feel anxious, worried, happy, totally fine.. feel however you feel and allow the emotions to come and go, but do not allow yourself to live in each one.
Related article: How to heal after a breakup
In any healing process, it is extremely important to allow yourself to process the emotions that you are experiencing and to feel each one instead of trying to push them away because of the discomfort they may bring. Despite the difficulty you are experiencing, this is a time of opportunity for growth. Spend time with yourself as you process these feelings and utilize the practice of yoga and meditation to help you with this. As you turn within, you will continue to work toward healing and making yourself stronger.
Spend time on self-care. Make sure you are eating healthy, exercising regularly, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep. I would also recommend practising yoga and meditation, spending time alone, connecting with friends, listening to music, going for walks, travelling, writing, reading a new book, seeking therapy if needed, being mindful while at work, and taking up a new hobby. Make sure you create a healthy balance of alone time and mindfulness, but also keeping busy with healthy outlets to help you heal through this process.
Making the decision to pull away from a relationship is always difficult. Remember though that if a person is not adding value to your life, or if a relationship is making your life more complicated, you must consider if this person is worth the time and difficulty. Chances are, they are not. If you are in this situation, follow the steps above to help you work toward your healing process.
Suzanne is a certified counselor with 6 years of experience working with individuals of diverse backgrounds and age groups. In addition to working full time as a School Counselor servicing students ages K-12, Suzanne began a side business in 2014 geared toward providing relationship and individual counseling services for adult clientele. She has worked with an extensive range of individuals helping them gain insight, foster changes, and continue to grow. She has acquired a wealth of information about relationships through her professional and personal endeavors and finds great value in sharing what she has learned.